My Third-grade Report Card: Math, A; Language Arts, A; Social Studies, A; Science, A; Controls Physical Impulses, A-; Controls Verbal Impulses, C

Every time I talk to this one person, my brain cramps up and something rude pops out of my mouth. It's ridiculous how many times it's happened. The surprising part is that we keep trying to talk to each other even though I always sabotage the conversation. So embarrassing.

First Job Interview Since October 2006

(I hope it's legal to use this cartoon if it has the copyright info on it. It's not like I'm making money on this blog that no one reads.)

Yesterday I had my first job interview since I've been looking for a post-mission job. This was exciting just because sending out tons of résumés both to business contacts and in response to employment ads and getting no replies was getting more than a little frustrating. It was all very serendipitous (in other words, providential) too, for I was uncostumed at the ward FHE Halloween costume party, which I likely wouldn't have attended had my brother not wanted me to take him, and getting ready to leave when the bishop's wife suddenly called me over and asked if I was still looking for a job. She pointed me towards this great sister in the ward who said that an LA law firm that rents a small office from her company was looking for a English/Spanish bilingual legal assistant to run its fledgling Portland branch, which will work primarily with members of the Latino community here. The firm is perfectly willing to train the person it hires too. Someone was fired unexpectedly or something, so the firm was holding one day of very last minute interviews in order to fill the position by next week. The sister in my ward found out about the Tuesday interviews on Monday. Since I am English/Spanish bilingual, have strong office skills, and learn quickly, it is a job that I could actually excel at.

I have no idea if I'll get the job, but it was nice to get an interview for once. My skills are a little rusty since I took that LDSERS course this summer—for example, I think I may have grossly over-quoted the salary range for the job (I said $30–45K) just because on the Internet I couldn't find much information about how much inexperienced legal assistants make and I didn't want to admit that I have a history of being grossly underpaid in general and even $20,000 is a step up—so this interview was good practice if nothing else.

Being Generation Y

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Failure is not in our vocabulary;
that was clear from the very beginning.
"If you can dream it, then you can do it,"
yet we never, in a million years, dreamt of impotence.
We were cultivated for great things
and balk at anything less.

The Theme of People of Walmart

People with an aversion to clothing. At least this guy's wearing a plastic bag as a skirt, but, when they can't find their pants, it looks like most other people just go to Wal-Mart in a shirt and underwear. One lady even left out the shirt, but I'll let you find that on your own.

First spam.

I've had my Gmail account for three years, and I have been really careful about putting my email address on stuff, checking privacy policies and so on. I don't even get advertisements from catalogs or anything! Today I got my first spam: some dumb thing about winning a free Toyota. I didn't open it.

Weird Things My California-Bar-Member Mother Says (expanded and updated)

• a good door, but not a good window—n. someone who is standing in front of the television or some otherwise interesting sight so the people in back cannot see
• ¡Ábrete la boca!—Open your mouth!
• ants in one's pants—ADHD symptoms
• ar-kaan-saww (said with a lilt)—Arkansas
• awnry face—(1) a comical ornery face; (2) the hairy eyeball or evil eye
  
• batty—the OED says it can colloquially mean balmy or dotty and cites the earliest use of the word with this meaning from 1903. My mother only ever uses this word in the phrase, "You're driving me batty!"
  
• big ears flappin' in the breeze—Eavesdroppers have them.
  
• birthday suit—nakedness, as in, "He's in his birthday suit and everything's hanging out."
  
• bored outta one's gourd—bored stiff
• boob tube—television
• boughten—adj. store-bought
  
• broiled cheese sandwich—a simple Welsh rabbit or cheese on toast, always made with cheddar; different from a grilled cheese sandwich in that it only has one slice of bread and is prepared under a broiler
• broughten—past participle of bring
• criminy—(KRĪ-mə-nē) "A vulgar exclamation of astonishment: now somewhat archaic," which dates back to at least 1681 (OED).
  
• crotchety old lady—a menopausal woman
• cruisin' for a bruisin'—to be annoying on purpose
• death warmed over—To feel or look "like death warmed over" is to feel or look exhausted and sick.
  
• dickens—a euphemism dating to 1598 for "devil, deuce" (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary)
  
• do what one shouldn't—euphemism for an extramarital, or sometimes premarital, sexual relationship: "He did what he shouldn't with his secretary and then his wife divorced him." (This is in spite of the fact that she told me about the facts of life when I was four.)
• Do your nose run and your feet smell? You must be built upside down!
• eyes are bigger than one's stomach—Someone whose eyes are bigger than his or her stomach puts more food on his or her plate than he or she can possibly eat: "My eyes are bigger than my stomach, so my mother controlled my dinner portion sizes until I was at least sixteen."
• falling apart—to have a long list of aches and irritations that sound hypochondriac: "Your tummy hurts, your knee twitches, and your arms itch? You must be falling apart!"
• fā-vər-ĪT—n. favorite
• fight tooth and nail—v. (1) to resist strongly: "I tried to put Jim in timeout, and he fought me tooth and nail." (2) to strive aggressively for something: "Joe is in court fighting tooth and nail to get his kids back."
  
• funny farm—insane asylum; often, "Take me away to the funny farm!" (Her father adds that "the little men in white coats" would take someone to the funny farm, and their charge is usually me.)
• Go stand on your head and stack BBs.—Please find something to do besides bug me.
• goomy bears—gummy bears
• Hold your horsies.—Be patient.
• hungry enough that one could eat a horse—more disturbing when I realized that they eat horses in Spain, where my mother went on her mission
  
• I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.—I love you lots.
• It woulda bi'cha if it were a snake!—It's right under your nose.
• None of your beeswax!—None of your business.
• Ohwa Tagoo Siam—a mean trick she played on me when I was seven. Not coincidentally, we have a Siamese-looking mutt-cat named Tagoo.
  
• old and decrepit—of people, old enough to get achy joints
• older than the hills—of people and things, very old
  
• pokey—small, cramped, and dark
• ragamuffin—"old-fashioned informal a dirty untidy child in torn clothes" (Cambridge Dictionary Online). The OED further explains that Ragamuffin was the name of a demon during the Middle Ages, but had come to mean "a person (originally and chiefly a man or boy) of a ragged, dirty, and (frequently) disreputable appearance" by 1586. The muffin part of the word likely comes from the Anglo-Norman malfelon, which means devil or scoundrel.
  
• rain galoshes—rubber Wellington boots
• shooty—interjection, dim. of shoot
• slow poke—"circa 1848: a very slow person" (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary)
• space cadet—someone who often forgets things
  
• That's enough from the peanut gallery.—I didn't ask for your opinion.
• The girls said . . .—One of my two daughters said this, but I can't remember which one (see you guys).
• This place looks like a hurricane hit it.—Our house is too messy.
• Turk or turkey—(1) childish troublemaker; (2) jerk; (3) womanizer. This may come from Turk, as in, someone from Turkey, which by 1536 had come in English to be "applied to any one having qualities attributed to the Turks; a cruel, rigorous, or tyrannical man; any one behaving as a barbarian or savage; one who treats his wife hardly; a bad-tempered or unmanageable man," but the OED also says that in early-twentieth-century American slang, Turk or turkey was a derogatory word for an Irishman and by 1951 could also mean "a stupid, slow, inept, or otherwise worthless person." So who knows where my mother got it from.
  
• you guys—blanket singular and plural, second- and third-person pronoun meaning any or all of the following: you, my older daughter; you, my younger daughter; you, both of my daughters; either you or your sister; or your sister (see The girls said . . .)

Fighting AIDS is great and all . . .

To many African countries, the US and other Western countries send billions of dollars to buy fancy AIDS clinics and super-expensive antiviral drugs to prolong the lives of HIV-positive patients for a few years. Ignoring the problem that some (not all) of these HIV-positive patients who live longer use that time to spread the virus to more people, what about all of the other fatal diseases like malaria and dysentery which can be cured completely? This article on the BBC News website just hit home. Are we trying to save lives or feel better about ourselves because we're sending AIDS drugs to Africa?

Can You Answer Honestly? (one of those dumb quizzes my sister and I butchered)

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose at least 8 people to be tagged. Don't forget to tag me!

To do this, copy this entire message, then go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, delete my answers, and type yours. Easy peasy!

Next, tag 7 people (in the right hand corner of the app). Click publish (at the bottom). Have fun! :)


Debbie / Bethylene

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
paper shreds. / my big toe.

2. Where was your profile picture taken?
lying on my bed, myspace style. / the booking station at the local jail.

3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
no. / no.

4. Name someone who made you laugh today?
myself. / my sister.

5. How late did you stay up last night and why?
we haven't gone to bed yet because we were watching Bollywood movies illegally.

6. If you could move somewhere else, would you?
is there life on maaaaars? / longview, washington.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
kissing me sets off fireworks of its own. / i only kiss people if they have set off fireworks first.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
we share a bedroom.

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
i don't believe in exes. long-term, baby! / i kill all my exes, so i don't have to worry about friendship.

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
sexy. / gassy.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
i don't know, when did you? / yesterday when Debbie used my toothbrush. fiend.

12. Who took your profile picture?
Cecil B. DeMille. / the local county sheriff.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
my neighbor. my camera connects to my telescope. / my imaginary friend, Timothy.

14. Was yesterday better than today?
yesterday never goes away and tomorrow never comes. / i have that thing where you forget yesterday when you fall asleep. so i don't know.

15. Can you live a day without TV?
what's the difference between reality and TV? / no.

16. Are you upset about anything?
yes, my big toe. / yes, at Debbie.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
you get what you pay for. / no.

18. Are you a bad influence?
yes, i run naked with scissors. / i taught her to do that.

19. Night out or night in?
i don't like people. / i don't like nights, that's when the vampires come.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
my 7.62x51mm M40 sniper rifle. / my segway.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
the crazies. / i've never been to a hospital. my mother had me in the car.

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
"tonite 7 behind fred meyers." / "i'm meeting steve tonight at 7!!!!!! :) :) :)"

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
high. / it's ending soon.

24. Do you hate anyone?
Emilio Estevez. / that stalker lady from the bank who calls me all the time.

25. If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find?
nothing. / vague invitations to do something sometime.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
i had a poppyseed muffin this morning, so no. / after the lab calls my doctor.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Steve thinks i am perfect. he said so last night, over text. / i tell myself that i am perfect every day.

28. What song is stuck in your head?
"The Song that Never Ends". / "The Song that Never Ends".

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
a zombie, so i can destroy it in nasty ways. / not Edward Cullen.What you don't want to see outside your window at two in the morning, or at any time, really.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?
yes. lots. / are you kidding? i don't want to have any kids before 50!

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
shower, maybe. / clean out my belly button.

32. Do you think too much or too little?
what are the options again? / maybe.


Wow, that quiz really was "easy peasy"!!!!!

dear emilio,
watch your back.
cordially,
debbie

P.S.

His reply to my noncommittal reply was even vaguer.

Things that Kinda Suck

• Thinking you are so awesome that you recognized someone's spirit-glow, and then finding out it was just your gaydar going off.
• Receiving the cellphone number of a guy on three separate occasions because he really wanted you to have it and still knowing you will never, ever call him.
• Getting sorta-but-not-really asked out in the vaguest Facebook message ever: "Also wondered are you leaving soon and won't be in the [Pacific Northwest] ward to go to school? Reason I'm asking I wondered if you wanna hang out and do something if you have time or perhaps watch general conference on my big screen tv or something else?" (What is that? Does he want me to call him and say, "Yeah, we should go see the seven o'clock showing of Whip It tomorrow at the Battle Ground Cinema"? Sorry, I don't even know him well enough t0 like him well enough to ask him out. I have to at least kissed a guy a few times before I'll break the Rules like that. Of course, then there's the alternative possibility that his completely harmless friendly gesture just happens to resemble certain other people's wishy-washy date proposals, in which case I'd seem really stupid to take it as anything else.)
  
• Seeing a picture of a straight-laced Mormon kid you used to know with a tattoo that covers his whole chest, one tattoo sleeve, and enormous plugs.
• Keeping up with your relatives—even your parents—through the political chain emails they send you: "Send this to everyone you know and then write your representative to tell them all congressmen should live off Social Security!"