The Time My Roommate and I Were Eaten Alive

This one is ongoing. We have pulled up the couch cushions, inspected the mattresses, washed the sheets in hot water, vacuumed the house, and in all other ways obsessively searched for the fleas, bedbugs, or other disgusting crawling things that must be doing this to us. We found nothing. Nothing but itchy red bumps on our stomachs, arms, and legs that are multiplying. I even took my temperature to see if we have some sort of infection, but it was 96.5° at four in the afternoon, which is a problem in itself.