This morning I dreamt that my family went to someone's middle school graduation (maybe my sister's?), and I wore my newish H&M business-like skirt and my green top. My parents were distracted because they had signed up to feed the missionaries that evening and felt bad that they just took some food over. My parents also kept talking about this spicy peach pie that they'd bought at Marie Callender's the night before. Anyway, my parents and brother went to find some seats on the bleachers, and I went to find the bathroom.
I was doing my business in the flimsy middle-school stall when I heard someone come in. I could see enough under and around the stall door to realize that it was a male janitor. Feeling uncomfortable, I finished really quickly, tugged down my skirt, and rushed out of the bathroom. (I didn't wash my hands, but I guess they don't have germs in Dreamland.)
"Hey!" a woman barked. I turned around to find a prototypical female gym teacher coming out from the glass-windowed resource officer's office, which was right by the bathroom. The male resource officer peeking out from behind her was kind of cute—which made what happened next even more embarrassing. "You can't wear a skirt above the knee! It's against the dress code!" the gym teacher hollered.
I looked down at my skirt. It was a little twisted and bulgy because I'd come out of the bathroom so quickly. I smoothed it down. "This skirt is knee length," I told her.
"What about that wrap part?" she continued, pointing to the pretty cascade of fabric on the side of my skirt, "Will that come open when you walk?"
"It's not a wrap skirt, see?" I said, lifting up the cascading fabric part of the skirt to reveal the regular skirt underneath. Unfortunately, the regular skirt part had gotten all bunched up in the bathroom, so I actually showed her (and the resource officer behind her) a lot of leg and a bit of my underwear. My face became hot. "Let me go back in the bathroom and fix that," I said. I ducked back through the bathroom opening before she could respond. There, I found a stall and tried to ignore the presence of the janitor while adjusting my skirt so everything was where it should be.
When I came out, I showed the gym teacher that everything was okay with skirt. She shook her head, "I don't know. Maybe you should just put on your gym sweats."
"Um," I answered.
"Do your parents have any more of your dresses in the car?"
I thought about it. My long, long-sleeved, white temple dress was in the car because my family had either just been to the temple or were planning to go soon. "Um, well I guess they do," I said.
The gym teacher looked a little bored. "Wait, take off your shoes and stand there."
Face burning some more, I did as she asked, removing my heels to stand in my nice new nylons on the filthy green-painted concrete floor.
"Oh, that's it!" the gym teacher exclaimed. "Your short legs are just throwing off my sense of proportion. Just to be safe though, next time you should wear a longer skirt. I almost gave you a referral."
"You do know I don't go to this school, right?" I replied. I wanted to say "You do know I'm twenty-three years old?" but that seemed rude.
Her shoulders fell. "Well, that changes everything. See you later!" She ducked back in the resource officer's booth, and I realized I really should have announced my age because (a) it might make her actually apologize and (b) the resource officer really was very cute.
Just to spite her, I changed into my old silk Nicole Miller dress ($85 on Bluefly!), which is too revealing for me to wear anymore. My underwear was showing! Then I found my dad and shouted (because that resource officer was now moving around the crowd nearby), "Can you believe it! I almost got detention, and I'm twenty-three years old!" People stared at me. The resource officer really stared at me, clearly repulsed.
My mom leaned over and said that she'd left the missionaries a note hinting at having them over around Christmas for the sole purpose of having a reason to buy more of that spicy peach pie. Did I think it was a good idea? And then I woke up.
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