The Time My Roommate and I Watched Too Many FBI Procedurals

Last night I dreamt that I was a skinny teenage girl—about seventeen or eighteen—with very dark hair, two younger sisters, and an older sister. We lived in California with our father (who was not my real father). He was an okay dad, but he had a bad habit of kidnapping young girls and performing vivisections on them. Finally, he ran out of girls in the neighborhood to kidnap, so he decided to eviscerate one of my younger sisters.

I tried to stop him, but my older sister said we should let him do what he wanted. She grabbed a glass vase and smashed it, holding it out as a weapon. I tried to get past her to my dad and my little sister, but my older sister just cut me with the glass. I was bleeding all over, and my father was starting to cut open his daughter, who was screaming, so I turned around and ran out the front door in bare feet to tell the neighbors in the red house across the street to call 911. They were all freaked out that I was bleeding, and I was trying to tell them that something much worse was happening in my house. And then I woke up.

The Time I Gave Some Random Guy Drug Money—Now This Actually Happened

  Today I was sitting at a local community college waiting for the class that I tutor in to start. My earbuds were in, and Muse's "I Belong to You (+Mon cœur s'ouvre à ta voix)" was playing and I was smelling the lavender in this truly beautiful landscape feature and it was a really great moment when this guy came up to me and was like, "Can I borrow a dollar?"
  I had just sold back a book for three bucks that morning, so I actually had cash. I was sitting near the bus stop, and the bus is a dollar, so I thought, I'll be a nice person and give him bus money instead of lying or ignoring him like I usually would.
  "Sure," I said, reaching for my super-awesome Mugwump wallet made out of a map (Adriatic Sea section) that my mom bought me a long time ago.
  "You don't have a five, do you?" said the guy, "'Cause that would be great."
  I narrowed my eyes. "No, I don't." Even if I did, I would have said I didn't. I was going to get the nicest bill for him so it would scan in the bus change-machine, but now I kept my wallet pinched shut so he couldn't see (as he leaned over to look inside it) that I still had two other bills.
  "Here you go," I said, handing it over.
  He grabbed it. "Do you got a smoke?"
  "No," I said.
  Then he stalked off away from the bus stop to hit up another clump of people for money. Well, at least he can't get much with just my dollar, but I still feel mad at myself for enabling him to buy drugs.
  And yes, it was for drugs. It's a pretty common technique around here, and I fell for it.

The Time I Went to Zombie-Fighting School

During a nap today, I dreamt that I went to school to become a zombie killer like Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. There, I met this really hot guy who also killed zombies for a living. Then, of course, a bunch of zombies attacked the school, and it was all beheading and blowing up with bazookas all the time. A bunch of times the zombies almost bit me, but then I realized I would turn into a zombie too if they did, so I kicked them in the head. And then I woke up.

The Time My Mom Started Growing Ganja

Last night I dreamt that my very conservative mother who is very against marijuana in all cases decided to become a licensed medical marijuana grower for some extra cash. We still lived in San José, and she had inherited a house with a good-sized yard a few blocks down from our actual house. She decided to turn the new house into a clinic and grow the cannabis in the tightly fenced backyard.

"The only problem," she said, looking over the carpet of pink banana squash currently growing behind the house, "will be the stank. People will complain about the stank."

"Um, is stank the technical term?" I asked.

"Of course," she shrugged, as if I was sooooo square. "Maybe we could grow something fragrant, like lavender, around the edges."

"Um," I said. Then I thought of something else as I cleaned the curtains in the house—can you be licensed to grow medical marijuana if you don't have a prescription for it yourself? I decided that probably if someone could prove through regular drug tests that he or she wasn't personally smoking it, it would be fine. Then I was worried that being exposed to the growing plants would make my mom and I fail drug tests. (I don't really know how marijuana works.)

The worst part was that I had no job, so my mom recruited me to run the marijuana business for her. I'm not even sure how I feel about medical marijuana, but I know growing it, even legally, is major risky. I had to harvest mountains of pink banana squash so we could get to the ground, my mom went to the Department of Medical Marijuana (obviously I have no idea what this is actually called) to get a license and some seeds, and then I woke up.

The Time I Tried to Cast Out an Evil Jane Lynch

  Last night I dreamt that my brother was some kind of mystical chosen one, which consequently made him the biggest target in the known universe. My parents didn't believe me though, so they sent him to summer camp anyway. The camp sent him back five days later because in those five days he'd been kidnapped or become inexplicably lost eight times and nearly been hit by meteors six times. I went to pick him up.
  Something evil messed with our car, so we were stuck in some small Oregonian town with dusk fast approaching. We stopped at this nice-looking woman's house, and she let us stay the night on her floor.
  We got inside just in time because once the sun went down, the house started to shake like it was in the middle of a whirlwind. Someone/thing knocked on the door every thirty seconds, and when the woman opened her door—but not the screen door—who/whatever it was tried to force a way into the house. A few times the evil spirit/witch did get inside, and I had to hold on to my brother tightly so they couldn't take him.
  It was so bad that we couldn't even leave the house. Once all the forces of evil knew where my brother was, they even attacked during the daytime. There was also this pool of milky water at the bottom of an old shower in the house. Every time I saw it, I thought, There's probably just hair in the drain, I should take it out, but something kept me from touching that water. Days went by, and the water level never changed.
  Anyway, a few days later, the woman who had taken us in needed a break, so she left the house for the night. (Let me tell you, just opening the door for her invited in a whole bunch of evil that we had to chase out.) We thought things had been bad before, but the banging and the screaming outside the house became ten times worse after she left.  Two witches showed up in the early evening, one looked like Jane Lynch and the other was a young white girl with dark hair. Jane Lynch was a shapeshifter, so she made herself look and sound like our mom and knocked on the back sliding door. My brother wanted his mom so bad that I had to hold him back as he screamed and hit me to keep him from opening the door. This went on for a while. I wanted to take us in the bathroom with no windows and doors so we wouldn't have to see this, but I was afraid that if I turned my back on the forces of evil for one second, they'd find a way in the house.
  Then a troupe of three more witches swooped down on glittery flying skateboards. They were dressed in flowing white outfits. Jane Lynch and her buddy disappeared when the new witches arrived. The leader of the new witches marched up to the sliding glass door and knocked. I ignored it, as I had been ignoring all of the knocking on that door. She knocked again, and I looked up and felt that she was good.
  Don't worry, even as I felt she was good I knew that that may be another evil illusion, but I was too exhausted not to trust her. I opened the door, and she motioned for my brother and I to step outside into the center of a triangle that she and her two fellow witches formed. I hesitated, and then behind me the woman who owned the house came and said to the good witches, "Can I help you?"
  My heart stopped cold. I pushed my brother out the door and followed him. "She's not home, she's not home!" I shrieked, pointing at the woman with my eyes wide.
  "What?" asked one of the good witches.
  "I cast thee out, witch!" I commanded, pointing at the witch who looked like the nice woman who took us in. She changed back into Jane Lynch, and she bared her pointy teeth and growled at me.
  "I . . . I cast thee out, witch!" I stuttered, pointing at her.
  She backed up a little, and her evil-witch-in-training appeared beside her.
  "I cast thee out, witch!" I said, pointing to the younger evil witch. An invisible force shot her back against the tall, wooden backyard fence. "I cast thee out, witch!" I told Jane Lynch, pointing at her. She also shot back against the fence.
  "Let's go inside," said the leader of the good witches. She led my brother and I back into the house. We watched from the sliding glass door as the other two good witches flew back on their flying skateboards and then shot them straight through Jane Lynch and the other evil witch. The evil witches evaporated, which made me think they had just dematerialized rather than died.
  The two good witches joined us in the house, and I explained how unsafe I felt even inside. I wanted them to take my brother and I home with them, but I didn't want to ask. I showed the leader of the good witches the mysterious pool of murky water and told her about not wanting to touch it. She said I had a special ability for discerning good from evil. Even as she said that, I thought, That's just what she'd say if she were really evil but trying to convince me that the good glamor she has on is real. And then I woke up.

This is all the perfect foundation for a YA novel, isn't it?

The Time I Owned a Castle and a Prince for Hire

Last night I dreamt that my dad lost his job, so I moved back with my parents, they sold the house, and we started living in a motel in Southern California. My dad was feeling bad for me, so for my birthday/Christmas he gave me the combined present of a castle—like Hearst Castle or something. It was all decked out in red, white, and gold, which I've always thought are better Christmas colors than red and green, for a Christmas Ball that we now had to host because we owned the castle.

My biggest problem was getting a dress. Because my dad was out of a job, we had to rent a dress rather than buy one, which made it impossible to find anything modest. My aunt arrived to help me pick one out, but she really liked this purple two-piece with a tied back because it would be easy to wear something under it. The problem was that it was satiny and purple and totally out of style. I liked this strapless white dress with a red sash and a red rose pattern that went three-quarters of the way up the skirt. My mom made me wear a white shirt over it, so it looked kinda dumb.

Then there was some sort of prince or something who was going to escort me. However, it didn't really make sense.

The Time I Fought Demons in LA with the Slayers-in-Training

Last night I dreamt that I came to LA with the Slayers-in-training from the last season of Buffy and found this warehouse which Angel had cleaned up a while ago. However, the demons were coming back, so I had to move in. It was night, and the street was only lit by an ambient orange glow from the streetlights.

At one point, the green-gray demons caught me and started torturing me, but I was only letting them think they were in control so they would let down their guards. Then Angel arrived and I woke up.

The Time I Joined a London Pantomime and then Ran from the Coppers with Bonnie Hunt

My dream began fantastically enough—I had somehow acquired enough money to return to England, but my mom and sister came with me. We wanted a taste of real British culture, so we decided to watch a Christmas pantomime even though it was July. It was in a large tent like Bard at the Beach, except everything was dirtier. The pantomime troupe had very few actors, so they always recruited tourists from the audience to play some of the minor parts. My sister was asked to play one of the big parts, but she didn't want to, so I took over. My role was the poor mother at a meager Christmas lunch, in which my whole brood of five or six kids only had one boiled turkey leg to split between them. Even though they all expected me to mumble in my American accent—which would add to the comedy of the scene—I surprised them all with a clear British accent projected over the audience.

Afterwards, the leader of the troupe—a very tall, very thin woman with pink and purple hair and white face makeup—asked me if I would like to join her troupe permanently. Seeing a chance to stay in my real homeland, I took the job.

Then I woke up for a second and fell back to sleep. I was on the pantomime troupe's tour bus when I decided to go for a jog. We were still in Southwark or Canary Wharf or somewhere like that, and I was really frustrated that everyone I jogged past were American tourists who said, "Hi!" I jogged into an M&S—Americans. I jogged onto a rugby field—Americans. I jogged deeper into East London thinking I could at least meet some Bangladeshis or something but nope—Americans. I mean, I practically took a job in a circus just to be in the UK, and now everyone I met was American. Argh! I jumped on the Tube and went to Kensington.


There I somehow invaded Bonnie Hunt's London mansion. As I was chatting with all the Americans in her house, we suddenly saw a huge swarm of policemen running towards us over the lawn. I didn't even know why the police were there, but we all ran away. And then I woke up.

The Time I Was King Graham in King's Quest

Last night I dreamt that I was King Graham (or maybe Prince Alexander) in King's Quest—this dream was not in pixels, though—and my sidekick and I were trying to save a princess from an evil genius.

Anyway, we snuck into the evil genius's lair with the help of one of his minions. We found the princess and freed her from her chains. Then someone heard us, and we had to run. The lair was a medieval castle, until suddenly we ran into a modern gymnasium with computers in it. I thought, Oh, this is one of those things where they purposely put modern things in the past, like steampunk. We locked the door we'd came through, but all the other doors were also locked.

The evil genius and his minions were coming, and we had to convince the good minion who'd helped us this far to open a trap door in the floor. And then I woke up and it was only two-thirty.

The Supertaster Snob Strikes Again

I just bit into a poached free-range egg sprinkled with sea salt and pepper, and though I like neither eggs nor salt (see aversion to white foods), knowing how much I paid for it made it taste heavenly.

So It Turns Out that Dreyer's Creamy Coconut Fruit Bars Don't Taste that Great

A couple months ago, I had a dream about WMDs and Dreyer's Creamy Coconut Fruit Bars, which I'd never actually tried but had looked good when I saw them at the store. However, I don't usually like coconut things (see list of white foods I don't like), so I took my craving to the store and bought Dreyer's Pineapple Fruit Bars instead. They were very good.

Just this past week, however, I was still thinking about that stupid dream, so I sprang for the coconut flavor. Guess what? I don't like them.

Great Lines from Much Ado about Nothing

Benedick. What, my dear Lady Disdain! are you yet living?
Beatrice. Is it possible that disdain should die while she hath such meet food to feed it as Signior Benedick?

Beatrice. I would rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.

Don John the Bastard. Though I cannot be said to be a flattering honest man, it must not be denied but I am a plain-speaking villain.

Beatrice. [God sent] me no husband, for the which blessing I am at him upon my knees every morning and evening.

Beatrice. Adam's sons are my brethren, and truly I hold it a sin to match in my kindred.

Don Pedro (of Beatrice). She were an excellent wife for Benedick.
Leonato. O Lord, my lord, if they were but a week married, they would talk themselves mad.

Benedick. The world must be peopled!

Benedick. When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I were married.

Benedick. Ha! "Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner"—there's a double meaning in that.

Hero. Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps.

Dogberry. To be a well-favored man is the gift of fortune, but to read and write comes by nature.

Dogberry. O villain! thou wilt be condemn'd into everlasting redemption for this.

Conrade. Away, you are an ass, you are an ass!
Dogberry. Dost thou not suspect my place? Dost thou not suspect my years? O that he were here to write me down an ass! But, masters, remember that I am an ass; though it may not be written down, yet forget not that I am an ass.

Beatrice. I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest.

Benedick. Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably.

Claudio. Another Hero!

Benedick (to Beatrice). Come, I will have thee, but by this light, I take thee for pity.
Beatrice. I would not deny you, but by this good day, I yield upon great persuasion, and partly to save your life, for I was told you were in a consumption.
Benedick. Peace, I will stop your mouth. Kissing her.

Benedick. Prince, thou art sad, get thee a wife, get thee a wife.

Temple + Shakespeare + Sushi = Best Day Ever

This picture is so nonrepresentative of the feel of the play that I didn't want to post it. On the other hand, it is the only publicity shot I can find.

Okay, so remember eight years ago when I was obsessed with the play Much Ado about Nothing and I read it a bunch of times and watched the movie and even wrote an entire novel about teenagers performing it in a high school drama class? Well, I finally actually saw the play for the first time in person at Bard on the Beach. I am reobsessed.


Also, my brother just gave me his old iPod Touch, so I downloaded the free app that includes the text of forty Shakespeare plays (including the ones with doubtful authorship). When I couldn't understand Verges and Dogberry, I just looked up their lines on the iPod.

Then after going to the new Vancouver Temple and Bard on the Beach, we went to Octopus' Garden and had amazing tako (octopus), salmon, tuna, and crab sushi. If you're ever in Vancouver, eat at Octopus' Garden. Wow. I wish I lived in one of those pretty little houses on the side streets around it so that I could eat there every day. The décor was beautiful, and the food was even better.