The Time Fergie Led An Ironic Christmas Program in My Mystic Falls Church

Last night I dreamt that I was on the planning committee for the church multiregional Christmas program. (I'm actually on the committee organizing the church multiregional New Year's celebration, but my sleeping brain can't get everything right.) Very suddenly, as happened yesterday evening with the New Year's celebration, we were informed that we weren't doing a multiregional Christmas program after all. Our local units would have to do their own Christmas programs.

I searched for "Fergie church" and only found pictures of the former Duchess of York. Anyway, this is closer to what Fergie was wearing in my dream. Source.

I'm not that great at organizing and I don't know a ton about music, who I turned to my Sister Fergie to help plan the last-minute program. She auditioned some singers from the area, but they all generally sucked. So instead of putting on a weak program in which the choir quietly mumbled "Away in a Manger" and other nonoffensive hymns and then shuffled back to their seats, Sister Fergie proposed that we be extra hipster and put on an ironically bad Christmas program. That is, she wanted our choir, with me and other recruits, to belt out "O Holy Night" and "He Is Worthy" with as much gusto as we usually reserved for a whole year of nonoffensive living.

The day of the Christmas program came. It was rousing. Half the audience was in the choir, and we filled the extra large conference building with our ever-so-slightly disharmonious singing. Next, Sister Fergie asked the regular choir to sit down, and members of every high school choir in the area—which was some, but not all, of about eight choirs—put on their high school choir robes and took up the choir seats in blocks of dark green, purple, cardinal red, royal blue, and lots of white (because a couple of the choirs had all the girls wear white robes). The choir seating behind the pulpit conveniently expanded upward and backward as things do in dreams. I nodded to my friend, and we ran up to join the high schoolers wearing cardinal red because we were wearing raspberry and it's totally almost the same color. Having an ironic pass to enjoy yourself really is awesome.The accompanists began the prelude, and suddenly we were surrounded by several hundred high schoolers belting a slightly altered version of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" because Jesus eclipsed their hearts. "Turn around, save me!" they sang.

Apparently there's a church choir in the music video. Who knew? Apparently my brain, from back when that literal music video was viral. I hate the term viral. Source.

At the end of the song, the organist played a few minor chords, and most of the high school choir sank back into the choir seats, too weak to move and gradually falling asleep. The audience silently collected their things and filed out. "What's going on?" I asked Sister Fergie and the suspiciously handsome high school teacher with whom she was whispering gravely.

"Most of these high school students are vampires," the overly good-looking high school teacher answered, because apparently we were in Mystic Falls. (TVD season 5 premieres tonight and I'll have to wait for Hulu because my thrift-store TV is too old to process digital airwave broadcasts and I'm too stingy to pay $55 for a converter box.) "Uh, hello?" said hunky high school teacher, "As I was saying, we used a special frequency of sound from the organ to put these vampires in a dream state. We're going to stake them now, or at least inject them with vervain and stick them in a tomb for our great-grandkids to deal with."

"What? Why?" I exclaimed. "Have any of these kids even killed anyone? I mean, maybe a couple people each, but they're generally good kids." We were debating the rights of vampiric Americans when I woke up.